A Mobile Dream

 The girl from Mobile
 The woman that dazzles
 As I watch my impressions
 Spinning from the ceiling
 Of my heart and dreams
 Hoping that the words
 Hoping that the promises  
 Hoping that the sensuality
 That that extrudes from her
 As an aurora surrounding  
 Her complete presence  
 Is real
 Is as real as my desires
 Is as real as my dreams
 The dreams I swallowed
 For pain and hurt  
 For comfort and safety
 For fear and walls
 
Her dreams
 Her comfort  
 Her desires  
 For that heart
 To caress her  
 While walking  
 Into that door
 How could I ask for more
 How could I avoid
 Again stealing from myself
 To see the face
 To feel the desire
 To know through the touch
 I am real  
 I am real to her
 I share her reality

 I miss her presence
 That presence  
 She shared once
 Once with promises of more
 I miss that smell
 The slight smell
 That lingering smell
 That flowed into and through
 Those kisses
 Gentle and slight
 Those kisses
 That suggested everything
 Can be alright

 I want to be alright
 I want that presence  
 I want that desire
 I daily deny myself
 For the greatest paranoia
 Of hurting again
 Of the damage I've done
 
Her sweet nothings
 Her word of love
 Her offer of sensual comfort
 Bring about that depression
 As I slide from the top of her mountain
 To the valley my self-doubt
 Waiting to again hear
 Her southern accent 
 Waiting 
 With borderline patience
 And the thrill of nerves
 Connected to hope
 
 

Adrenaline

That shot of adrenaline?
Who stabbed me in the heart?
Just a wake-up
Just a brief memory
That I am not escaped
I am still in Oildale
I still live terror
For whatever pain
I will find
With eyes
Forced always open
So at least
Their tears can be acknowledged

Miss You, Abu, too much

My dear Abu,
I miss you
So much more then I
Could have ever guessed
Just a little Coturnix
Just a creature
For just cheap food
So much more
Is what you were
Never shy
Never scared
Any new activity is
Where you were
A curiosity larger
Then your tiny body
And then you were gone
For sure
I don’t know how
You ended up
Where I found you
But I know the loss
Was so far greater
Then I could have known

The last
Isn’t what you’ll be
So much I did right
And a life given
Unknown among quails
I should have done better
I did the best I knew
And I know
It was the best
You could have dreamed

You are gone
Someday I hope
I lose the memory
Of the picture
The last picture
Always on my mind
Your lessons will never
Be forgotten
Your memory
Will live one
In the names
Of the new greatest
Ubuntu and Abootsy
Who will live life
Unheard of
Outside of yours

I miss you
But because of you
Others will know
Their own greatness

Hamburger Hill

So here I am
Living such fear, such terror
Here I am
Back at Hamburger Hill
Time to walk to the mountain
Stare through the tears
Of all the hope lost
Time to wonder
Is any of this emotional death
Really worth it?

god, Not Mine- Christian, Not Mine

As I sit crying
Silently screaming
Internally pleading
For somebody to offer
Some relief for this terror
Far beyond my capabilities

How do you compute
These daily horrors
How do you make sense
Of the crushing fear I live
Every single day

How can one explain
To be really man
Is to never close your eyes
On the pain
On the hurt
On the crimes
Us keepers
Commit on our brothers

It isn’t a man
That is so tough
He turns his back
Nonchalantly tosses
Into the wind
They should have made
Better decisions

It isn’t a christian
That can look at tears
And say,
“Sorry, can’t help you
Don’t know Jesus
We don’t know you”

I know Jesus enough
To know he is now crying
Those same tears
Watching another brother
Turned away by his keeper

I know Jesus was MAN enough
To hold a hand
And just listen
To hear those tears
To not judge
Because he understood
Hurt is hurt is hurt

Jesus was MAN enough
To comfort the prostitute
Jesus was MAN enough
To fight for the oppressed
Jesus was MAN enough
To bring Heaven to Earth
Jesus was MAN enough
To pay an ultimate price
To be his brother’s keeper
To hold his brother’s hand
To comfort his brother’s tears
To light his brother’s path

And he was MAN enough
To still bring comfort
To still bring Heaven
To his brothers in pain
While paying the ultimate price
At the hands of his keepers
Who preferred blindness
If without blinders

In God We Trust
How have we earned that trust?

Prettiest of Bad Ideas

I know bad ideas
I know things I shouldn’t do
But I know,
She is becoming irresistible

I see the signs
Leading to a new wilderness
I thought I was stronger
I thought resisting was possible

A kiss goodnight
I wish I stayed with that kiss
I wish I could have stayed
With the scent
Lingering on my hands

The Rise of Addiction

The way she looks at me
Yeah
It is addictive
I have forgotten
It is that look
I can never understand

It is addictive
As her sensuality
Escapes, chasing me
Terrorizing me
With a sensuality
That sends me fearing

Those little snaps of surprise
When my words
Aren’t what you expect
Those little snaps
Those hints telling me
I may have worth

How do I not love
How does addiction not take over
When out of nowhere
I find you at my hip
If a flirt isn’t from you

In my arms
I do want you
I do want you
To feed an ego
Never worthy
Never deserving

Today, all day
You have my mind
You have my heart
You have my desire
You have my dreams
Of seeing you tonight

You Know, Right

I heard the words
I’ve seen the signs
I’ve felt your behavior

“You know I love you, right?”
Out into the air
Those words were uttered

I knew
I tried to deny
So happy to be a BFF

That kiss on your bed
The tenderness on my lips
Caressing away any denials

I love too
I desire too
I do

And I fear
And I live in terror
And I silently beg

Don’t let me hurt you
Don’t let me own you
Don’t love the wrong me

You can have it all
Just don’t take my hurt
Just take my heart

I do fear
But I do love

…And the Perfume unlocks the words

So much silence on the keys
Through all the noise
There is the missed clatter
The silence of drought
For something good to type

Then I smell that scent
That waft of perfume
Lingering on my hands
The heart aches
Those hands let you go

All day
I smell that perfume
Stuck in the fur
Belonging to my dog
Did she see me melt?

My arms are bare
My chest is cold
I know the heat I need
I feel the embers growing
Of which I have been bereft

The Beautiful Dream

When does the fear leave
What age ‘til
I become too aged
Too paralyzed by fear

Sometimes the terror
Isn’t so bad
Sometimes the terror
Becomes my comfort

I’m exhausted
I can’t leave
I can’t be
I can’t being

I feel the love
I see the love
How can I ever believe
Any love is real?

How fast can I run?
Where is the path of least resistance?

How can the faceless
Bring such claustrophobia?
How can reaching out
Be so painful?

I am so sore
I am so tired
To run is my only dream
The only beautiful dream left

Survived

Another day
I made it
I didn’t harm
I didn’t damage
I didn’t lose myself
I survived me

But I really wonder

I don’t think it is worth
Giving up every gain I made
Giving up this person
I can appreciate
Somehow
That others can appreciate

But to see the blood
To feel the fury of retribution
To release the murderous desires
To finally payback the long dead father
That saw it fit to belt a two-year-old ass

How long can I resist?
How long can I fight
A single snap emotion?
How long?

Maybe

Maybe the signs aren’t so hidden
Maybe the concepts aren’t so cryptic
Maybe if I listen to her words
Maybe if I opened my heart
Maybe I’d hear
I am worth her time

Living the Lost Dream

Where did the dream go?
How to live the dream
Too late?
What happened to the imagined romance?
What happened to the love of the amber?

There was that time
There was nothing more
Wanted then that bar stool
And that girl
Second to the suds

The memories flood
The joys are still so real
But the now
Those cinder walls
Exhaust with every bottle

And I ask
I am here why?
These people are desired how?
Another door another why bother
Smile. Smile. Smile.

Covid-19.1

If I could see
The tinies of death
Am I looking at the end?
Did I already breathe my last
Covid-19 free breath?
Are these the last people
I want to see?

But the Buds

The buds dude
The buds
I forgot the green
The words
I have the words
I suck in a vacuum
And regurgitate words
Expressing emptiness
And dullness

Population Density

What the hell are you all doing here
It isn’t my mountain
They aren’t my trails
But that doesn’t mean you belong
The outdoors isn’t real to you
It is just boredom
You can’t claim dedication
When you can’t walk
When you can’t bike
When you can’t spew exhausted
Without the safety
Of many friends
You don’t belong
You are waste of my space
A waste of my eyes
A waste of my fear
Go back to your homes
Lock yourself away
In the name of safety
And leave me
Leave my space
Leave my sight
Leave me be

All Mine

My body
My exhaustion
My pain
My tightness
My happiness
My thrill
That is where
Life lives
Reality lives
My hell
My heaven
My home

Just Words

Oh the words
Throw them like darts
See where they stick
Hear what said
Nothing but meaningless
Placements
Chosen by random
Chosen by shotgun digits
Pressing the keys
Heart unseen

Gods of Dull

Zeus sent down the lightning
Sparks gave light to the greatest of Shadey’s
The bushes burst free
Free the fires burned
‘Til peace razed the Earth
The light shown on all
All was exposed
All was known

All was lost
Pointless
Dull
Never was it worth the price of darkness

Send Her my Way

Hey Dave,
Roll that beast down this driveway.
I hear ya’ buddy,
But it is only that first push.
Don’t worry about brakes.
It’ll slow in time.
Surely, before the past is too late.

We Failed

We failed them
They didn’t fail themselves
They aren’t shooting each other
Over a cigarette
They shoot out of fear
Desperation
Anger
They deserved better
They know they did
But they are on the streets
Blamed
For faults exasperated
By the crimes of those
Far above their reach

On their streets
Tears become bullets

For a You

Need to know
Who I am
I don’t know
I lost the muses
I forgot who I was
Should I latch on
To someone
Anyone

Cling my fears
To those of you
‘Til I let go
With the terror lost

Find me
Is all I think
Be with me
Is all I want
This irony
I need you
For all the imperfections
I see in myself

I need the scare
Of my imperfections attacked
Keep my distance
I need me
Whoever that is
I need me
And too easily
I am willing
To give it up
For a you

Georgia

Went home
Went to a home
A past home
A return to safety
Return to comfort
Return to people
I could admire
As they admired others
As we admired each other
As together
We were allowed to care for all

Alabama

“Are you Okay?”
Words of such fright
I don’t want to know
Yeah, I’m okay
But I think I saw
A little of this
A little of that
Please
That brief sight
Be an illusion
A little of this
A little of that
I don’t want to know
I am afraid to know
My thoughts
Aren’t deserved
Not by you
There was so much
So much positive
New connections
An opening of feelings
The past can be happy
Being the past
This past didn’t need
To be brought to the future

Can I?

Can I tell you
How pretty you are?
Can I say
How cute is your face?
Can I say
I love your eyebrows too?

You can show me all your pictures
I can never see that girl as cute
I see your fondness for her
I see you as you are now
I see a beautiful woman
Life laid upon you

Taps

This tap tap tap tap
This noisy keyboard
I miss
I miss those sounds
Of words created
Always creating
Always reminding
Always sounding of hope
Conversion of energy
Pain to hope
Tap tap tap tap
Emotions
Finally free
For their release

Escape

I said it
I love you
The words came out
Nothing has changed
I’m still terrified
I still can’t tell
Clingy from distant
I still can’t see
If in your heart
There is safety for me

All I want
Is to see you
Is to hear you
Is to feel you

The silence
Amplifies fear
The mind may know
The mind says fine
All I hear is, “Please”
I miss you
And I need you
And nothing seems real
Except for the return
Of that internal queasiness

All Clear

I know
I think
All is fine
All is okay

But I don’t know
I can’t see
Rules are lost
Forgotten
Never known

I know with comfort
I know with touches
I know we will be okay

But I’m cold
I’m laying alone
Mind racing like a go-cart
Just a little
It’ll be okay
I just need to know

Budding Spring of the Fall

There is a desire for this fall
There is a desire to let myself go
There is a desire to allow these knots
There isn’t a desire for that desire
But there it is
Now I have you on my damn mind
And you won’t cooperate
You won’t feed the wanted dose
For this addiction
I’m allowing to let in
You did it
You slowly picked at my wall
You made in
You made it through
I’m not kicking you out
But understand my eyes
Looking through you in terror

Unscathed

Raise your hands
Holler and let it go
Oh the game was good
The ride was a thrill
The words flowed
As so long ago

Damn
Something finally got through
That head
Too hard

I feel the peace
I feel the calm
The ride is over
Somehow
I walked off unscathed

Can’t wait to see her again
Can’t wait to breathe her scent
Can’t wait to swallow that shot
Can’t wait to love
I fear in the greatest of ways
Can’t wait to love
For the benefit of her

A Dream of Liberty

I feel the time
For this book
For this lesson
For this storm
To end

Tomorrow is another day
A continuation of the cycle
Love
Lust
Desire
Dependence

Liberty awaits me
In the mourn
The same Liberty
That awakened me

The words
The kisses
The touches
The dreams
We begin again

At least as much
As we ever began