Riduckulous Doguments of Rambles

Last post I wrote, the last time I checked in, I truly didn’t know if I would survive myself to post again. I did.

Since that complete breakdown from trying to be a drinking buddy I never wanted to be I have experienced, convertible Camaro, Mustang, Death Valley, a new relationship, best sex of my life (by far), watching anorexia take someone over, new dogs, losing dogs, stealing dogs, a new level of complete mental breakdown, and all this cummulating with a call to 911 and my new girlfriend being arrested and jailed for domestic violence.

If you needed to know what led up to that call to 911, it was because I didn’t say I just had the best orgasism of my life. I think that should say it all.

Yeppers. Still alive and kicking. Still haven’t learned to run from crazy. Still haven’t learned to not extend my hand.

This last few months have definitely been the most bizarre few months of my life, but in so many ways, the most rewarding and the most educational.

To sum up: I need a new girlfriend, quickly-quickly, before the current one gets out of jail and I remember I’m needy and week.

-Duckin’ Kev

I know, and I agree, the time for good-bye is past, but I still need somebody. I still need that person I set out to find. I realize it was a mistake to try to be there for her, but I still need somebody there for me. I see the irony, and I cry for the irony that I have to force support from the person that has damaged so greatly because there truly is nobody else. I get these words. These words don’t fix, they don’t make better. I really need somebody, and unbelievably, I need that person I need to tell “fuck-off” until that day comes I can fuck-off.

I never sought forever, I never wanted permanence, but I am in a real fucked internal place, and I need help. I can’t ask, I can’t talk, I can’t beg, but I need help.

I lost. I payed. I was scarred. I don’t know what to live for, I can’t a find a reason to live. All I can do is turn to the one with the latest knife and beg, “Please help me. Please help me.”

There is never going to be that partner. There is never going to be that person by my side. I know there will never be a time I’m not alone. I will never feel beyond this isolation. I still need help, I still need somebody. I will never be okay as long as I need anybody in any way, but I can’t fight alone.

Please be there somebody.

I’m looking for that motivation. Everyday I try to find to strength to go from waking to sleeping stuck in my head alone. Everyday I’m hoping that doorbell will ring and there will be somebody to sit with me for a bit. Everyday I am hoping there is somebody to offer me a quiet moment to allow me out of the cell of my thoughts. I’m trying day-by-day, step-by-step, but I’m so tired, I’m exhausted. I am begging for help as loud as I can, and I can’t understand why the people I’ve been there for, that promised to be there for me, aren’t. I tried so hard to be supportive when I was standing on empty air. I tried so hard to show I deserve to have somebody keep me from falling too. I’m trying to find help. I’m trying to find a friend I can lean on, I’m trying to find somebody that can sit in my world and let me know I do live in a good world, I am a good person. After everything, I still can’t understand why I can’t get anybody to take the time to hold my hand so the tears don’t have to fall, so I don’t have to beg the emptiness for help.

Everyday I truly am trying beyond belief to be okay with myself again. I’m just so tired.