Safety in knowing
Safety in the unknown
Everyday is new beauty
Everyday is new hope
Everyday is new growth
Everyday is new discoveries
Every new person shipwrecked
Always in time
For goodbyes

Not human

Don’t look
Stop looking
I’m not human
I don’t fit
You don’t see
Don’t bring me close
It’s too much
Don’t look at me
You never see
The person I see
You never see
The person I feel
You never see
The pain I feel
When I touch you

Are you still there
Did you heed vague warnings
Can you survive the temptations

I wish I could apply the brakes
I wish I could pull you away
I wish I could make the idiots gone wild
Be gone from your life

It isn’t a dim light
It isn’t a quiet buzzer
It is a loud scream
Piercing my ears
All is about to be lost
Succumbing to boredom
A need to hide from yourself

Cover it with mud
It is the only way to hide
Only way to camouflage
From all that would see
From all that would take
From all that batters my soul

Lost control is mine
It belongs to me
That slippage
That is my call
Those 180s
Are my pride
The holes
Are mine to drift around
That brown car wash
I earned
I pushed the limits
I overcame
What shouldn’t be done

I overcame
All I remember
For just a moment

The sun arrives
The mood has to lift
But it doesn’t
My mind is still
Still wrapped around you
And you
There is more
I know there is better
But I see pain
When I see you
I see the hell
In which I flourish
I dream for a hand
To hold
To hug
To experience
To never say enough
To never use the head
As we leap
Pretty sure
The fall will enlighten

There was a dream
So too long ago
I wanted
I desired
Something
Anything
Before I learned
There was nothing
Nothing real
Nothing substantial
Beyond that mirror
Even that mirror
Was delusional

The hills are being reclaimed
By me
They flocked into my space
Drove in droves through my space
Where
They didn’t belong
They had nothing better to do
Conquering the outdoors
When their office chair
Is out of range

Lasted a week
Then they remembered
They’re weak
Better to do nothing
When there is nothing to do
Then conquer the world

My mind has been blown
I race to the top of the bluffs
Running the whole way
Wondering where I’ve been
All my life

I had an idea
I had a thought
I had a consideration
Love seemed okay
Not a bad plan
I launched myself
Sped down that slide
But it was okay
I let the dream go
The rush was great
But I need faster
I need adrenaline
I need somebody
That thrives off adventure
That never reads the dossier

I have that twitch
I have that tic
I have that alignment issue
The car drags me to mud

I didn’t know, Steve
I wasn’t expecting a wild-streak
You were supposed to be calm
You were supposed to be wise
You were supposed to be boring

Yet here I am
With the parking braked pulled
With my foot on the accelerator
In the midst of a clockwise drift
Blindfolded by the mud
Washing over me

Eastern Sun
Symbolizing the rise
Symbolizing he has risen

Look west
Look what have become
Look at the blind eye
We have turned to our bothers

Kneel into your homage
Kneel into your pride
Kneel into your chosen status
Kneel to hide from the reality
You have allowed to be created
For your brethren

Kneel in remembrance
Kneel in submission
Kneel in blindness
Kneel so you don’t have to see
What your devotions
Have robbed from others
What your faith
As stolen from humanity

Kneel to your fucking gods
Kneel to your fucking heavens
Kneel to your fucking eggs

Your fellow man is fucking dying
In the dirt
In the bushes
In the streets
Corpses aren’t in shortage

But you are kneeling
You are praying
You are better then those
You abandoned
You are more deserving
Then those with nothing
Heaven belongs to you
Because you were blessed
With the best trinkets

It is in front of you
It is yours
It is you
This isn’t what you saw
In that mirror
When you last glanced
I know you saw
The rust
The cracked windows
That layer of filth
But this is you
This is what was underneath
Hidden in despair
Hidden in sorrow
Hidden in tears
That shine
That is you
That is what you worked for
That is what you lost hope for
But that is you

Been riding the waves
Didn’t wanna
But my boat was a rocking
The day was calm
The water was smooth
When I set the sail
Didn’t last

That first breeze
It was exciting
I started feeling better
I started feeling worthy
I got a little more comfy
Gave more sail
To the breeze

The second breeze hit
More power
More thrill
I forgot that speed
I forgot my heart
Could feel so much
I thought I had a plan

The final breeze hit
The speed was incredible
The adrenaline was amazing
But I was in trouble
I should been on shore
Now I’m in the storm
Living for the rush

I blew past my limits
I fell for the rush
The wind was pushing
I was moving the fastest
I had in many years
I saw the rocks
I’m weak
Fuck it,
Worth the wreck
Is the rush

Mail Brilliance

Seriously “sweet” instead “suite”?
Did you go to school?
Did you even attend an English class?
Has the concept of mail become so obsolete
That a description for food
Is indistinguishable from a location?
How is, I now have to waste at least an hour
Because the school is such a failure
Sweet is just a good as suite?

Fuck the laddies
Fuck the fucking people
This fucking country
This fucking society
Is nothing but a fucking waste
On my fucking life
Nothing so sweet
As the thought
Of nuclear cleansing

Should I call
No reason to
Human contact
Decent reason
Excitement maybe missed
Decent reason
That I care
That there is a human
I can talk to
There is a human
Somewhat relatable
Good reasons
But emotions
Of these human sort
They’re hard
They’re variables
I can’t make sense of
I’ll procrastinate
This minor rush
Placing these words
I think this is good
Tomorrow
Tomorrow I talk

I wish I knew smart and correct
I wish I knew a bad idea
I didn’t like
Nothing ever seems right
Unless I’m avoiding it
I do see
I do laugh
It has become habitual
It has become chronic
It has become pathological
If the idea is well trusted
I’ve gotta discard it
If the road is less traveled
I’ll walk through the river
All my dreams
Are about shedding
All they think is wise

The mornings
Indecisiveness rule
The day has to start
The dogs need their walk
I need to push myself
I can’t deal with weak
I can’t deal with my weak
I need the feel of power
I need that feeling of overcome
I need that feeling
Of sticking it to authority
Of defeating my authority
No more can’ts
No more shouldn’ts
No more nevers
I need that escape
That escape from Facefuck
That escape from them
From their masks
Meant to attack
Before accepting
Never more slow down
Never more take it easy
Never more forgetting
Who I am
Who I want to be
Where I came from
Where I want to be
Never more accepting
A vision that isn’t mine

What the fuck are these fucking people doing here
It lied
The fucking parking lot fucking lied
After all the fucking effort I put into being safe from you useless fucking shits
Just to be mobbed at the fucking laundry mat
What the fuck is wrong you fucking people?
Can’t you fucking sense stay the fuck away?
Is a 2 block radius of fucking personal space too much?
Fucking piece shit mother
Fucking ex goddamn useless fucking junkies
Piece fucking shits that have to take up every fucking dryer
Goddamn it you god-the-fuck-why-are-you-in-my-fucking-existence fuckheads
Need to be out of my fucking life

I look around and fucking ask
How are we any fucking better or more deserving for survival than COVID-19?

How can so many fucktards fucking exist?
Fucking die
Take the COVID-19 and disappear from my existence
The idiots are fucking taking over
Perfect goddamn time for annihilation
Perfect goddamn time for my world to be sanitized
Just take me first
I can’t stand the thought of seeing one more of these fucking perfected pieces of useless fucking beings.
Be the fuck gone.

I weather the temptations
I don’t know what is in her mind
I see too much what is in mine
I want in her my arms
I want her spooned into my groin
But I want somebody not afraid
Not just the closest

I don’t know how far I ran
I don’t know how long I ran
I know I can’t stop
I know I can’t resist overcoming
I know I can’t turn away from the next hill

I know the peace I feel
As my soles touches the Mother
The feeling of power
The feeling of conquering
The feeling of shedding authority
The feeling of running from the weak I was

Never far away from that ocean shore
Watching the dreams and pain buried in the sand
Washed away every day with the waves
I watch her playing in the sand
Building her castles
Soaking in the sun
I see that little girl
She imagines didn’t feel pain
Running free
Driven on by the liquor
The waves crash
Getting closer and closer
To washing her away
I sit on that bank
Infatuated by the glimpses
Of what could have been
Subdued wondering which wave
Will claim her to the sea

I don’t need to be here
I don’t need to sit here
There was a me before
There was a me forgotten
There was a me was never still

I forgot him
I forgot what he meant to me
The chains are off
In so many ways
Wife
Meds
Satisfaction
The accepted death

I don’t belong here
I don’t belong there
I belong between everywhere
Learning everything
Seeing everything
Experiencing everything
Belonging to nothing

I sat
I belonged
I gave-up
I gave her
I lost

Time to get up
Time to move
The miles heal
The miles show
The miles teach

There is a world I can never know
Though I have to know
What is in this this world
I can never know

I don’t belong here
I don’t belong there
I don’t care
I just need to be with me
Free from staring into my emotions
Free from knowing who I am

I don’t want to care
I don’t want to see
I’m tired of the love
For the new I just allowed inside
Barely a pandemic in
And all I want is escape from
Emotions of caring

The booze
The abuse
The fear
Driving the cycle
Always more to see
Always hope dashed

I wake-up alone
I wake-up wondering
Did the others
Did the others I love
Or is it now loved

I don’t care how you see it
I don’t care how you desire it
I don’t care how you need it
It is still mine
I didn’t give you permission
I didn’t mean to let my guard down
I didn’t want to desire
I didn’t want to feel this anxiety
Not for you
I wasn’t happy
I wasn’t so well
I knew I was in trouble
But I didn’t want to jump
Storm to storm

I’m not crazy
I’m just weak
I know I lack the desire
I know my heart isn’t in it
But I’m weak
I’ll cave
‘Cause I’m weak
The morning won’t be pleasant
To wake-up to the crimes
To the betrayal to myself
My heart isn’t even on the sleeve
I have sliced it open
Spread the slices like a flush
But I don’t know if you understand
Any of you
This has nothing to do with you
This isn’t about you
I want to hold
I want to feel
I want to press my heart close
But it has nothing to do with you
It has everything to do with the amazement
I have feelings of a human nature

With all this invested
Where is the story
Where is my point
I was supposed to be inspired
I caved to the easy to love
It has nothing to do with them
It doesn’t have anything to do with me
It has to do with ourselves
The pawns we use
To play that Chess game in our heart
The touches
The kisses
The interactions
But they don’t mean
What the motions show
The emotions aren’t real
The feelings are illusions
Masking the realities of what we need
It is so easy to fall
So easy to allow myself to release
Just to feel the pain
The realities of rejection
I know the game
I know not to trust
I know not to believe
But the rush
The words
The rawness inside
I know the costs
But I feel
Turns out I can still feel

The day begins
The dogs
The quail
Are fed
Bellies ready for the day

The dogs need their activity
I need my activity
I need to burn my emotions
And the morning crisis begins
How people capable am I today?
Where is the safest place?
Where are the people not?
Where can I exist not being known?

Everyday
Where am I safe from the asses
The pricks and dicks
The hurt and pained?
Where am I safe
To be alone
To sometimes wish
There was somebody to share wonders
The pricks and dicks couldn’t understand?

I know this is about the motions
I know my commitment is low
Higher then average
But always ready for good-bye
This is still hard
I don’t like being concerned
I don’t like not knowing
What I’ll learn when contact resumes
I am always afraid
Where that whiskey takes her
I am always afraid
Where the hiding will lead
I am always afraid
The time has come
To be crumpled up and tossed aside

Time to go
Time to face the fears
Time to face the people on the streets
Time to again ask
Are any of these people worth it?

I don’t want to know
I already know
The writing is always there
The walls I read too well
I see the fractures
I see the cracks
I see the crumbling
That terrify me
Everyone comes and goes
All I think is to go

Don’t go away
Don’t disappear
Don’t lose it all
I hate this worry
I don’t want to know
But the lines are cut
I’m sure for reasonable reasons
But I’m in the dark
I don’t know what to do
I don’t want to just appear
I may not want to know
Why I couldn’t hear your voice

Stuck at home
Shouldn’t be out
Nothing but time
Nothing but home
Yet
You can’t even stay off your fucking phone
For one red light
You can’t bother to pay attention to your task
Beyond one vibrate
Can’t get your own head out of your ass
So you have keep spreading your shit to others
Get the fuck into this life
Or get the fuck out of my world
If you can’t stay off that phone
If you can’t watch for a green
You shouldn’t exist
You are a waste in my world
You are a waste in any world
You may have them
You may think your constant involvement
Means anything
It means your fucking useless
It means you’re a drain
On them
On me
It means
The world would be better off
If you weren’t part of it

I don’t know what you are thinking
I don’t know why you think I can deal with this
You got me to care
You got me to feel
You brought me comfort
You have installed fear
You have awaken anger
You have given me terror
Of losing another person
A terror I can’t remember having
And now your missing
And now I don’t know
My social responsibilities
My social constraints
Do I knock on the door
Do I stalk your apartment
Do I get sick at my weaknesses
Just so I can sleep
A little better?

I had won
I beat the system
I didn’t want
I didn’t need
I am a liar
But this wasn’t I wanted
I didn’t mean to let you in
I didn’t mean for you to take that place
I didn’t mean for this internal torture
For the sole reason of feeling human emotions
I wish I knew where you were
I wish I knew how I belong
I wish I knew if I’m more trouble then worth
I wish I knew you could be safe
I wish I knew you could be okay
I wish I knew
To remember the heart is steel
To keep you out
I wish I knew
The heart isn’t again going to hurt

I see the weakness
I see the kink
I see the crack
The smallest entry
For the paranoia to affect a new dream

The dreams forget
The fences
The gates
The fortresses
My survival demands

I’m not a hippy
I’m not easy going
I’m terrified and needy
I will apply my lessons
I will never forget who I am

Just please
Always leave me alone

The sun falls at some point
Everyday
To look around
To see you should know
The dusk is sticking around
No matter the light
No matter the warmth
The dusk is going to be around
For much too long

Jumped the ship
Not sinking
No danger
But nobody else was jumping
Seemed the prime time
To test the waters

I Survived

The time arrived
A hand was extended
I reached out
To steady my hell
I reached out
To ride out the storm

Seemed fun
Seemed a hoot
But the storm never ended
Just steadily intensified

I rode into the waves
You flew into the winds
And we made it through
We made it to the sun
Now your floating
Through the calm seas
Now I’m flying
Through the clear skies

Another cliff survived

I didn’t know
Torture couldn’t pull it from me
I’ve seen the pictures
I’ve heard the stories
I still would have never known
I didn’t care
I wasn’t impressed
I never even cared
About the obvious connections

But I cared
About that one picture
About how it was viewed
But I cared
About that one picture
About that last picture
Before the scars became permanent

…And now back to the programming
Brought to you by those
Expecting me to back-up my shite talking
With new standards
Beyond the shite I was talking

Fuck me
Please, me
Don’t let me down

“We can never get married, we argue too much”
Um, our arguments rock

Never get married?
Where did that come from?
I thought all that happens before marriage was off limits
And now we can’t get married?
Where did that come from
And how do I work around that
Sure, I love you
Sure, I can see having a sort of future with you
But marriage, oh-oh-oh,
The fear is too deep
I like you too much
The rules are
Love your friends
Fuck your enemies
I thought we were down with that
At least to a point
But playing with marriage in your imagination
No bueno
That pressure is too much
Not when a kiss would be so heavy

I know
I can see
Your mind isn’t straight
I touch too many emotions
Your dreams are too integral
And you touch mine
I fear dropping mine for yours
Please
Don’t pressure us
Please
I don’t want more
Please
Don’t lock me in
Please
Don’t keep me from others
I can’t lose more

It was a good dry run
Strengths were shown
Weaknesses revealed
Overall
A feeling of readiness
Of some sort was developed
A bit of confidence built
The world can be rocked

But watch the alerts
Be clear of the intel status
False alerts are too costly

Nothing is fucked
I see and hear your tears
I know your pain
I’ve felt the attacks
But it isn’t over
I can’t let you be done
I get the assault is too intense
I know the hope is too long gone
But it isn’t over
The solutions aren’t hidden
There isn’t a reason too fall
After you struggled to get so far up

As the bee flies
The world dies
As the flowers are pollinated
We become exterminated

The Fuck

The drive that isn’t mine
A duck that isn’t mine
A control that isn’t mine
The fuck that isn’t mine
The sobriety ain’t mine
And the fuck ain’t mine
The control ain’t mine
And I love
And I love
And I argue
Because I love
And the fun
Rolls the words
I fear
But the pay-off
Is worth it all

The loss kills
The pain destroys
The unbearable
Leads to the unbearable
The permanent fix
For the temporary problems
The very temporary tears
Of those around you
Is only your price to pay
The suffering
Carried on your own shoulders
And the prospect
And the first time
To only be able to watch
To admire the hole dug
To only lend ears
As I walk away
The desperation
Fills my heart

I feel the moves
The restlessness
Can see the light
The stillness can run
The movement calls
Begs
Dreams
Let me free
Nothing is right
All works
Are laid bare
Ready to be massaged
Ready for the adrenaline
Of will I make
Ready of the thrill
I think this is a bad idea
But the sitting
The desiring
The needing
Every way is that worse
Then the long walk home
Proud of trying
Proud of overcoming
Proud of the “fuck you”
I give to all

Hahahahaha
The most fake
Of all the laughs
The most sorrow
That could be displayed
Through the faux pleasure
The faux appreciation
That fake laugh
The tears it forever brings me
That fake laugh
Of that beautiful person
That gave of herself
More then she was ever given
More then she ever had

I let it go
Cause I give a fuck
Never does it matter
Never does reaching out matter
Never does being there matter
Never does loving them matter
The end truth
What I can never forget
What I can never let go off
Nobody is whom I need
Nobody is whom I want
I’ll cave
I’m willing to enjoy the moment
I’m willing to lay myself bare
For the fewest of the few
I may open up my heart
But it belongs to me
It is all only for me
It is for my journey
For solitude
For supporting isolation
It is because I know a secret
I can never believe
Maybe, I do need
Maybe, I do desire
But never
Never again
Can I be trapped
Can I be cornered
Never again
Will that hand reach out
Thinking somehow, being a nurse
Accepting a nurse
Trumps my solitude
Trumps my heart
Trumps my restlessness
Never again
Will I be still
Thinking I could partner
Because I let it go
Because my fucks
Have ceased

I dig the nice ones
I seek the nice ones
I need the nice ones
For my reality check
So I can always remember
My day to day
Video playing in my eyes
That record screaming in my ear
Those are the lies
Those are the false front
The smile
The kind words
The compliments
That is the reality
The reality that so rarely
Plays for me

Let me hide my eyes
Let me not show you the within
Let me tell you my lies
Let me convince you
I am all you want me to be
Let me smile
Let me tell a truth
Let me hold your hand
Let me wipe your tears
But my tears are hidden
They are never seen
As I wipe them your shoulders
The other way is looked
And the paranoia tightens
For when I let you down
For when I can only be me
For a reality that never exits me

Covid-19
I rock you
Most shut down
And I wake-up
Most stay home
I rent a Camaro
With I learn new excitement
In San Francisco
I find accessibility
In the air
I make it to New York

I am sorry to share
Not really
I am sorry to say
Not really
A cleansing of the righteousness
Is greatly needed
Those that crowd
Those that can’t stay away
Those that waste my time
Those that crowd my space
The world doesn’t need
I welcome you to be taken
By a virus
And your idiocy

That check isn’t blank
It is only good
So long as it is buying
That forward momentum
But when that bottle
Is more important to you
Then you
When I offer my hand
And you brush it aside
When you think
I am willing to be there
To watch everything taken
Everything you fought for
Shit down the drain
When you think I jump
When you snap
My heart starts to the door
Ready with the tears
For that goodbye

I won’t lie, buddy
I forgot about you
I ignored you
That was wrong
I suffered
But the keys
Tap under my fingers
The motions return
The mind steadies
As I remember
You’re my safety
You’re my lover
The words caress
All the hers can never
I forget
I get lazy
And I fail to share
I forget to caress
I forget the power
You have given me

The night seems to be the night
The time is tapping my shoulder
Whispers of suggestions
Looking over that shoulder
At the trapped despair
Looking ahead
At the dream ebbing in and outil
This place is special
It deserves more then
“Where she’s buried”
As I watch the war erupt
See the pretty-pretty lights
This place needs special name
More then “Memorial Hill”
A name the fills me with joy
Watching the letters spin
Pull after pull of the handle

The sunset is filthy today
The sparkles should form a nice glow
Bringing joy to those
Not dying under the bangs

Yukon 4-1-1

I caressed that bottle
I kissed that lip
I re-fell in love
With that warmth
With that hug
As long as I never let go
All will always be good
But I’ve been there

I know who I am
I know my weaknesses
I know my love is bad
I know I can’t care for others
Not without cutting
Those I love the most

Desperation
Loneliness
Fear
That dream of heart riches
Drove me to the Yukon Territory
Pushing on for a rumored heart
Pushing on to run from me

The affection for the bottle
Is addictive
So wonderful swallow the liquor
So wonderful hating myself
So wonderful lying to myself
So wonderful being with you
As I watch the day go to shit
With every shot we share

I see the problems with me
Your friends see the problems with me
We all know I’m not helping
I’m just digging a double grave
The drinking isn’t a problem
But you can never see the tears
Jack brings the rest of us
All I want is to wipe your tears
And all I can do
Is wipe the tears with more whiskey

The ones that love so much
The ones that will be most devastated
The ones trying the hardest to be there
They are always ones
That always hurt most.

I made it to the Yukon
I found the shiny
I staked a claim
And now I’m holding the bottle
That stains the gold

I want to be there so bad
To love a friend so deep
But I just see the chaos
That surrounds me
I just feel the hurt
Of all my failures
That hurt
Reminding me
I can never be human