Dear Carol,
Let’s begin-
I’ll try
Open my veins
Through my fingertips
Crush the board
Allow the blood to flow
Trickles to streams
Streams to Rivers
Please don’t allow Fear
(Glorious Friend)
Don’t let it mate with Hate
That Marriage belongs to me
Hold my hand
Don’t let the Disease infect you
I’ve dreaded these buttons
I didn’t want to come home
My Dreams reside here
Guarded by my Nightmares
I don’t know how to talk
Lips disguise Truths as Lies
The Lies confuse me
(where Is the blood)
My blood is real
Wish I could give it all away
Hiding in my fingertips
Truth screams to get out
Long stalled traffic jam
Trickling very slowly
Carol
I know I lost you
Or am close
My insides keep everyone away
Carol
I wish I could run too
Three scratches
Couldn’t count the doctors
Thirteen knots
Keep him silent
Can’t let out the Screams
Lips shut
Let us keep this a secret
Close the breach
Mend the wall
One snip
I didn’t feel freer
Number two wouldn’t come out
Too small
Whisper help
Don’t touch
Three, Four, Five
Success
A silent line
A Haunted Death
Whisper
Knot even a whisper
Big Mouth
My friend
Such a short Life
So Much Truth
So Much Real
Silenced
And Murdered
Giving me back life
Such a short Life
Six and Seven
Released a bloated Death
Eight released a sneer
Message from the grave
Take a knee and pray
My friend talked
I didn’t know if I should listen
Big Mouth
Are you opening
Are you coming back to life
Can you tell me the secret
Nine and Ten are gone
Talk
Tell me
With Eleven and Twelve
I received your Message
Your slight thin lipped smile
Told me you still cared
In solitary
You still cared
But by number Thirteen
My decision was made
Number Two finally gave way
It hung on
It never cared
Big Mouth did
Big Mouth loved
Big Mouth was laid to rest
Triple Antibiotic covered the grave
I didn’t cry
This is it for the day. I wanted to say more, but now I’m out of time. Tomorrow will come. Will the Day and I be friends? I’ll pound the keyboard again. I’ll try. You may feel safer with my blood on paper, but I’m scared, I don’t feel safer. It’s still my blood. It is still killing me. I’ll try.
Why can’t I die
What is so special
I must keep plodding
You must know
It is your law
A spare bullet
Just for me
So many wasted rounds
Without homes
I have the room
Just a quick visit
All I ask
It was all lies
I heard the snickering above my head
Just another nothing
Just another trip to the ER
Just let me Die
I’m really not that funny
Why did you wrap your hands around my arm
Why did you tell me that joke about caring
Why did you not see through me and let me bleed
Why did you choose me over your children
It is their pockets I am picking
Sleep a few hours
Spread some ink
Sleep a few more hours
From strawberries to my stomach
Slight scratches from my knife
I forgot how easy it is to write
Spill a little too much blood
When will the morning come when I have to put a bullet into my duck’s head? In the morning I wake up and have to ask, “Is today the day?” Where is the doctor for these moments? What pill is going to take that away? What death is going to make my death worthwhile? Where is the help for these questions? Where is the understanding?
I remember
Our first time
When I raped you and said I Loved You
I remember
The hope for children
Destroyed by disease and scars
I remember
The last cigarette I smoked
In no way did I want to be unworthy
I remember
The your hospital nights
When I held your hand as the nurses gave me the eye
I remember
The my mental wards
Wishing I was back in your arms
I remember
The last letter
Releasing me from your heart
I remember
Freefalling and wondering
When did I Love You become Good-bye
I remember
A bullshit country song
Twenty minutes of fresh air
Is all I get
Twenty minutes Neighbor free
Then I have to scramble for cover
Twenty minutes of chores
Then I’m chased back into my jail
Twenty minute stretches of life
The stench of Death never clears my nose
I can fight the numbness
Wait
The numbness is good
Why
I opened the bottle
Just
This reason
I smiled
No reason
(maybe the bottle)
Another step can’t be this hard
Another crash can’t be this easy
My legs must be there
I swear
How did Law and Order
Escape my sights for so long
Finally a cop show
Where the cops are big enough assholes
To make the show seem real
What do I know
I spent my years believing the assholes
Believing god
But for tonight
And tonight only
I will allow the bottle
To teach
Here I am
I’ve been hiding for years
I’ve been let free
The pages are receiving my blood
The Hate is flowing through my veins
The Lies showed themselves to be True
My master released me
And now I’m free to bleed
To breathe
To let it out
My host
I laughed at him
He thought he could run from me
He thought he was free
Minor slips
That was all I gave him
But now he knows
His soul belongs to me
Four years all the world saw was a drunk Tschida
It was a Happy Tschida
The magic disappeared
A deflated balloon
Nailed to the wall
A soft Joke
Slowly taunting me
Endure a year
Inflate and Repeat
A Promise
Of something
Stroke me
My silky keys
I won’t lie
Allow the Letters to rise
Feel them
The softness turning to steel
So impressive
Drop your jaw
The Guards will let you in
Ignore the muzzle to your head
Gently drop to your knees
It will be okay
Insert my words
Caress with your tongue
Let the Truth erupt
Don’t swallow the Lies
Please take my gun
Turn the barrel to me
Pull the trigger
Lock the door
Wipe the Truth off your lips
Forget
Leave us
Be
Where did my Love go
The Happiness
The Joy
The memories of the Pet Parade
Should have lasted
Days and Months
Less than 24 Hours
A Le Mans race
Could Barely get past the starting Line
Young and tired
Should be
There isn’t
Hope
Take me off the circuit
I still may have useful parts
Take them
But leave me
I don’t need a Headstone
The muzzle is welded to my temples
My thumb has pulled the hammer
My finger is on the trigger
And you want to know my ten-year plan
Please just take my finger off the trigger
Not good
I know
But the incision was demanded
Word Bitch
My true name
Almost forgotten
Not evil
Not bad
Just a little
Sad
A failed search
Secrets to smiles
Lied
A little joy
Never found
Why was I sewn
Why was I given a bed
Why was the bleeding stopped
Why can’t I Die
Drained your pockets
Your child’s education
Went into my Death
A permanent scar
In your arm
Let me go
Let it all end
Let my last breath escape
Let the Bleeding stop
Let your child go to college
7 more empty days
7 more empty promises
7 more lies
7 more days
Will you help me
Give me a little light
I’m giving you my words
This is my Blood
I’ve given you my body
Can you get it to listen to me
Don’t ask for my breath
I need it
For 1 more day
Keep it going
Don’t let it stop
Have to keep the steam going
The Damn’s cracked
The Blood is spilling
Don’t let it stop
Keep it going
Can’t see
Can’t feel
Can’t hear
Can’t stand
Can’t Die
Can pound
Can scream
The disease
Re-infected my Blood
The disease
Is Everything
The disease
Is God
Wasting away in a fetal stance
Slowly
Very slowly
Ripping a Grave out of words
A line
A bowl
A needle
A bottle
Anything
But the pills
Listen
To Death
A whisper
Begging
To be heard
A few small words
With a meaningless
Meaning
Anything
To hide blank
Pages
Always hiding
Behind closed eyes
Running from Dreams
Constantly stalking
My bed
More small Words
Don’t stop the rhythm
Don’t slow the pace
I bent over
Gave my Monkey a boost
Captain
Lead me
I hid for so long
You found me
Caressed my hand
I cried
You let me
Keep the knees moving
The ground is hard
Don’t want to get up
One more step
Keep wading
GODDAMMIT
You belong to me
Don’t bend that way
Bend forward
Have to maintain
Control
Don’t want to give up
Only Die
I had my Indian Princess
I did
Soft Arms
Black hair
(air?)
Bedroom Embraces
Joint Dreams of foreign Kingdoms
Wings of Hope
Wars of Despair
Shiny Armour
Dented and Dulled
Sword Chipped
(was the fight worth it?)
Disrepair and mortgages lost
Battles became Voided
Absolved of Responsibility
I Walked away
Head high
Sword dragging
I wanted a Queen in the end
And The tears fell and fell