Those words
“I love you”
All I ever want to hear
All I strive for
But there never is that truth
It is always being loved
So I can hurt
So I can be a drinking buddy
To die in the space of hers
With the whiskey
That reminds me
The horror I was
The horror I become
With every shot
I know I am closer
To losing every tiny success
I have ever made

To hear “I love you”
To know I am only loved
In her space
Safe with her bottle
Only hurts
Only cuts
Only reminds me
Running is the only way
I can ever love

My world is never entered
My world is shit on
I get to see her
Participate in the worlds
Of those stealing her soul
But never mine
Never the one
Claimed she is closest with

I get to pay the cost
Reeking of tobacco
To point of sickness
I get to drink
To become the person
I strove to leave behind
I get leave behind what I love
To be setup for the blame
When she is “triggered”

I know I hurt
I know when alone
The tears that fall only scar
I know I need someone
That can help wipe tears
But I can’t wipe
The tears of others
When their tears
Are slicing my hand
Like sharpened diamonds

The simple swipe of my bangs
In the midst of me being yelled at
Brought the joy
Brought the love
Jack Daniels
Stole it back from me
There is never love
As long she is willing
For the Jack to devastate me