Why Does My Love only Scar?

Her friends ask how she could be my friend. That doesn’t hurt, I know I am so the fuck far out there, how can they relate? But that no one can see my value, no one can see how I could even be a friend, I didn’t know how truly isolated I was. I didn’t know how hopeless I was. I didn’t know the pointlessness of my being. Nope, it did hurt. It really, really hurt. It truly shows I will never be able to break-free from my isolation. She said she saw me differently, she said she saw through my oddities. For a while that parlayed that hurt. She soothed me, knowing there was at least one, and at the moment I needed someone the most. I tried to be there for her, I tried to return her friendship, I tried to give back with my whole soul for appreciation of the slightest warmth.

And then I became her trigger. And then nothing I did was right. And then the Jack Daniels turned on me. Because of course she would, because that is what I do to everybody. I try. All I want is to be able to share the huge massive love in my heart, but my love only ever hurts. Her friends listened to how I triggered her, but some how, it seems it was never mentioned that I only triggered her when she was fucking drunk. Somehow it was never mentioned how she would try to use my triggers to blackmail me into supporting her alcoholism once drunk. I only triggered her, because I became her buddy through Jack. I thought I was doing good. I thought I did everything right, nearly right. I monitored my emotions, kept tight control on my behaviors, and at every point tried to give exactly as I thought she wanted.

But she wanted a babysitter for her drinking. Her friends said she needed to drop me. Be yet another person I give my all for, just to abandon me. I hated the drinking. She said she wanted to quit, I never said it, but I wanted to quit with her. I know it wasn’t a big deal for me, but it meant the most to me to be able to support her. She never did try though. She over and over talked about cutting back, but that only meant she would only drink excessively when I was babysitting her. Her friends said she needed drop me, because Jack Daniels is clearly the better friend. I never wanted to be a drinking buddy. I only wanted to be a better friend then Jack. What a fucking idiot I am.

All wanted was to be a friend. Truly, there is nothing more in the world I want then to actually have a close friend that I don’t hurt. That I could trust me would matter, not my actions, not traits, not my exterior, but for me to actually matter. For somebody to be by my side as I push and push myself to be the absolute best person I could be. I don’t how it is that always ends up with me hurting people. Why can’t I have somebody by side just to share the simple joy of seeing a comet? Why can’t I have somebody by my side when I take the dogs the park, or for a walk? Why can’t I have somebody by my side to just appreciate that special spot Lili lies for that quiet moment? How can somebody claim we are so close, so intertwined, yet want nothing to do with me outside the bottle?

I know I am amazing in so many ways. I know I have unbelievable love to offer. I don’t how it is all that love ever does is hurt.

How does one exist? Why would anyone want to live when all they fucking do is cut and scar anybody that comes into their path? How does any one talk, when words only bring tears? How does one continue when they only bring pain?

I know, I absolutely know I don’t deserve the assessment I need to be dropped. I know I don’t deserve to be the blamed for the pain. But the moment I open my heart, I open myself to take all the fault. I know there are so very few people that can actually, and give freely the way I do, but I also have to accept, as soon that happens, I am going to be given the fault, the blame.

I know I have been there for so many people. I know I have helped so many strangers, even if it is just a comfort for the moment, but why can I never do that for whom I love? I know I am such a good person. I know I deserve everything more then the blame, but blame is always what is easiest to give back to me.

I get it, I lost an amazing friend, because I enabled her drinking. At least I can say I will never make that mistake again. At least I can say, my desire for constant growth will never allow me to make that mistake again. But the pain of only causing pain never changes, never improves. I may always find brand-new ways hurt others through love, but at least I can say never, ever have I used love to hurt others the same way twice.

I’ll power through, some how I will always power through, but it will never be with that friend, with that lover by my side. I will never have that person to lean on as they lean on me. And I suppose I will be okay with that. I am getting closer to that full acceptance, but solitude among hundreds of thousands wanting to tear you apart, will never stop hurting. I get those brief moments of true appreciation holding a strangers hand, but that is the only way I will be able to feel loved in return. I get that my tears are always going to solely belong to me, never will there a person to wipe them.

The path to the heavens opens, but with nobody at your side, what the fuck is the point of stepping in the light. At least in Hell, I am appreciated.